There Is Still Time For You To Celebrate International Mustache Month
The mustache was invented more than 2500 years ago, by Peisistratos of Athens. As chronicled in The Histories of Herodotus, the original tyrant of the Greek polis carved the first mustache because he thought it made him look more execrable, and helped him accrue power. He fashioned it using a bronze blade*.
The American President also has a long tradition of imposing facial hair. What follows are the eight greatest examples of manifest destiny the new world has ever produced:
|#8 Grover Cleveland |
Cleveland was the leader of the Bourbon Democrats. This mustache makes it obvious why. The city of Cleveland is in fact named after his bourbon ’stache.
|#7 Andrew Jackson |
Old Hickory reminds us that eye brows count as facial hair too. They look thick enough to erase chalk boards. Awesome.
|#6 Grover Cleveland |
After failing in his reelection campaign in 1888, Grover Cleveland returned to private life determined to grow an even more daunting mustache. His reelection in 1892 proved his mission was a success, and made him the only president to be counted twice.
|#5 Rutherford B. Hayes |
Remember Captain Caveman? I am fairly certain Hanna-Barbara got the character design from this portrait. Hayes actually retired in 1879, but his beard carried out the rest of his term.
|#4 William Taft |
Taft’s Mustache, measuring 8 inches across, was the last facial hair to hold presidential office. It was known to have beaten Teddy Roosevelt’s ’stache in a wrestling match.
|#3 Chester A. Arthur |
Much like Sisyphus, Arthur’s mustache and sideburns are forever striving to touch, but always falling just short.
|#2 Abraham Lincoln |
The only member of the Illinois Amish ever elected to federal office, Lincoln sacrificed his mustache in order to unite the country after the American Civil War.
|#1 Martin Van Buren |
Little known fact: Shortly before his death, Van Buren played the cowardly lion on Broadway.
|One can only hope that Obama realizes the majestic might of a properly grown mustache and return America to its rightful place as the most awesome nation of mustache growers this side of Russia.|
*This is in fact patently untrue on a number of different levels.